Picture Post At the top of HOUR 10!!!

Finally!

Double digits. You have no idea how hard this is. Seriously. I am a slave to my desk. There is scarcely any opportunity to walk away from my desk for any length of time. I have to time out "shit posts" in order to be able to use the bathroom. It's hard. Very hard. *sobs*




I forgot to take my medication today. In case you didn't know, I am bi-polar. No, not the kind of bipolar that all the cool kids say they have. I am seriously, ICD-9 diagnosed as bi-polar. I have bouts of mania all the time, but for the most part, I am very well controlled by my medication. Whenever people talk about being "crazy", I feel proud to be certified, hence my name...Certifiable Princess.

I take two Prozac a day, 80 milligrams to counter the depression/anxiety/weepy whiney shit that is caused by my epilepsy and the meds. I also take one 60 miligram Cymbalta a day. That's to control the crazies.

There is such an amazing stigma tied to bipolar disorder or any depressive disorders for that matter. That upsets me. I think we are a bit too advanced to have such an archaic mindset. I mean, that to me falls under the same category as being ashamed of someone who gets lice, has HIV or becomes a victim of a seizure disorder. All of these things are so taboo. So secretive. So hush hush.

I put my experience as a manic depressive out there, because it is part of the person I am. I am not insane. I am not crazy. I am a very rational and sane person who has a severe chemical imbalance in her brain as a result of a head injury. It happens. *shrugs* I can sit home and throw myself pity parties and deal in silent shame, or I can put it out there and talk to other people about it.

I prefer the education route.

Fortunately for me, my manic phases aren't as violent as they used to be. Before I was medicated, I was a VERY violent person. The doctor originally told me I had a "rage disorder". Isn't that precious? Isn't that what they said about "The Hulk"? The problem was that I was not properly diagnosed, properly medicated or in a good therapeutic environment with an excellent counselor. Over the years, I have been able to feel when my flare ups are coming on. I warn my husband. He's very good about it. While I don't have the violent outbursts I used to have anymore, my manic phase sometimes manifests itself in shopping.

What's the problem with that?

Nothing really, unless you are able to account for thousands of dollars in purchases every month...and you are financially okay with it. I spend money. I aggressively spend money. I sit on ebay for hours and just shop for things that I don't even need, or want for that matter. My hotband helps me to keep that under control, but I do slip up frequently, hide packages that I buy and then, try to convince my husband that I've had "this old thing" for years.

He knows better. So do I.

What I am grateful about is the fact that my disease process is not genetic. I worried so much about my conduct affecting my children's behavior and personalities. They adjusted to my violent outbursts...but no child should have to live like that. So I got help. Lots of it. I got out of my marriage and learned to change my ways. My ex husband, bless his heart, was an enabler. He would feed the fires that burned me. My hotband does not. He cuts it right off at the root. Won't tolerate it, won't fight with me, won't engage in my personal battles.

He's a smart cookie.

Anyway, let me go gulp these down before I get all medieval on your asses.